Thursday, May 12, 2005

Memoirs of Clark Kent

I don't recall how long I've felt like this, but I often have and up until about a month or two ago I had been feeling that way almost perpetually for a while. If you were asked, who is Clark Kent/Superman, what would you say? Is he really the Man of Steel, faster than a speeding bullet, with Clark being a simple disguise or the representation of a weaker emotional side he needs to work on shedding - to 'come out' as Superman...? Or is he more truly Clark Kent, and Superman is merely the avenue along which he is able to direct his natural gifts; the natural outworking of one side of him, but not something he needs to aspire to more fully become?

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It’s not easy to be me.

'Superman' by Five For Fighting

There are times in my life when I feel like both, and it's strange because during those times I can both feel both comfortable and unsettled in both mindsets. There are Superman moments where I truly feel like myself. I can enjoy the freedom to cut loose and everything feels more simple, more free, with nothing holding me back. No doubts, no questions, no confusing thought processes. I feel like I can let loose with everything I have and have nothing to hide. It feels like my life is making sense, is worth something, and that by its end is going to have meant something. It's a bright and powerful feeling. I feel, like I can fly. However, I have to admit that at other times I feel as though I'm performing and want nothing more than to just be 'myself' instead of whom I'm 'supposed to be'.

"Myself"....? Who is that?

What I can't explain, is if when I do feel that way, all 'super-powered up' and I feel truly me, why does it only seem to be a short time before I wake up one morning different? It doesn't even take a night, it can happen in minutes, and suddenly things feel heavier. Weighing me down...grounded. Of course there are times when events and circumstances (self-induced or otherwise) help to explain why I might be feeling 'down', but I'm not just talking about times when there's a definite 'issue'. Sometimes, I just feel more, human. More like expectations for me aren't that high and I can live life just like my friends and those I talk to.

Recently I've been finding it a little more comfortable to be in this place when I can just 'be' and 'do' (for some reason those two are, many times, tied together for me) and not have to 'presume'. I know that some might want to say that I need to stop 'presuming' and just be myself, but I have to wonder if there isn't at least a certain amount of 'presuming' included within the gospel. For the Christian, life isn't just about what is 'right here, right now', and 'what you see is what you get'. It starts there but then looks out at what will be, and it sets its aim there. It also looks beyond what can be seen on the surface to other things that are, or that can be. "Man looks to the outward appearance, but God..."